04. A NOT QUITE HAPPY BIRTHDAY
I celebrated three birthdays this weekend. A colleague at work turned 30. A dear friend, Blaine turned 40 and to mark the occasion, a group gathered for a movie, a great meal, and drinks. We reflected on good health, recent vacations, and friendship.
Having read my last few blog posts, Blaine asked if I thought people who could find the advantages in difficult situations were made happier or if happier people had a natural gift for finding the advantages in difficult situations. I said both. We talked chicken and egg for a bit. That was yesterday.
Today, I celebrate what would have been my cherished friend, Brett’s birthday. Today he would have been 43. Would have been. He died almost 23 years ago. The new lungs that would have saved his life never came.
I found myself thinking, “happy birthday, Brett,” but if I’m honest—I don’t feel happy. “Happy” doesn’t describe the heaviness in my heart. It doesn’t capture my sense of loss, my grieving even all these years later. Happiness doesn’t fit. I miss Brett terribly. His laugh. His generous spirit. His playful nature. His kindness.
No, I’m not happy today.
But I am grateful. I am honored. I am content. I am aware. Because loving and losing Brett made me a better friend, a deeper listener, a more empathetic companion, and a kinder person. I understand the value of connection and the incredible gift that is each moment. I don’t take time or my loved ones for granted and I cherish every deep breath I take. Those are the advantages of loss.
So Blaine, I’ve reconsidered my answer. I don’t know that Advantageists are happier or that happy people are naturally Advantageists. But I don’t think happy is the goal—I think whole is the goal. All of our emotions and experiences have value, meaning, and purpose—even, and especially, the tough ones.
Maybe rather than happy birthday, I wish you a whole birthday. May it be filled with meaning, purpose, and appreciation for your many advantages.
Cheers to a whole year,
Rachel
