07. THE FEAR OF LOSING
“Don’t let the fear of losing rob you of the joy of having.”
A mentor, Artie Isaac shared that with me years ago. I don’t know the quote’s origin or author, but I know its meaning intensely. Those words named something in me that I couldn’t quite articulate before.
After losing my childhood friend to Cystic Fibrosis and my brother to Sudden Death Cardiomyopathy; I began to more deeply appreciate my relationships with others. In fact, I stopped taking for granted all of the important elements of my life—all of my great fortunes. I cherished family members, friends, coworkers, neighbors immensely. I appreciated time, space, quiet, music, dancing, eating, sleeping—even breathing itself, more deeply. A blessing, right? Appreciation is a tremendous advantage that comes from traumatic loss and I speak of it often.
But here’s the thing— sometimes I take it too far.
My extreme appreciation for all of the good in my life can be debilitating. I live every moment knowing exactly how much I have to lose. Stop and think about that for a moment. Really inventory your life and think, “I could lose it; any or all of it, at any moment.” It’s a terrifying thought. And for several years of my life, I had that thought several hundred times a day—almost constantly. I spent hours of mental energy every day in protective planning mode, trying to control everything possible to prevent loss.
Extreme appreciation has another name—fear. My fear was robbing me of the joy of having.
When we fear loss, we become reactive, protective and hyper vigilant. We find it difficult to simply relax and enjoy the very people or things we fear losing. Hearing the quote above gave a name to my feelings and that gave me strength and a new sense of clarity.
I know from experience that I can survive devastating loss. I also know that cherished memories stay with me, even when I lose someone I love. After naming my fear, I started to consider the kind of memories I was creating with those who I fear losing now. My perpetual angst was keeping me from fully enjoying the time I still have with my loved ones. And, if the loss I feared really did happen; I wouldn’t be able to get these precious moments back. I needed to make the most of the moments while I still had the chance and that meant letting go of trying to control the world around me.
So, I stopped letting fear drive me and I chose the joy of having.
Don’t get me wrong. Fear is always in the car—I just make it sit in the back (in a rear facing, five point child seat). Now, when I feel fear tap me on the shoulder and ask to drive, I practice acceptance instead. I accept that my life experiences make me prone to fear of loss and then I actively seek joy.
And ya know what? It works. There’s very little we actually control in this world and bad things happen every day, no matter how hard we try to protect those we love. Accept it and let it go. Really wonderful things happen every day, too. So let’s feel the joy of having everyone and everything we have. Right now.
Joyfully,
Rachel, Chief Advantageist
