10. TOXIC POSITIVITY
It feels good to feel good, right? In the US, we’re hard wired to strive for nonstop delight. But sometimes feeling bad feels right and we shouldn’t rush ourselves or others out of those tough emotions.
For example, when we lose a loved one, feelings of sadness and grief are not only valid and appropriate, they are also necessary to our healing. Sadness shows us that we care deeply about that person and the loss is significant. Whether you’re grieving or feeling upset for another reason, saying “cheer up” or “think positive” or “good vibes only” or “it could be worse” to yourself or another is not only insensitive, but also hurtful and unhelpful. Those words send a message of invalidating, dismissing and delegitimizing genuine emotion. That’s toxic positivity. Gross.
There’s value in all of our emotions and we need all of our emotions to live fully. When we’re grieving, filled with sorrow, anger and even guilt; our emotions are giving us important feedback about who we are and how we’re experiencing the world around us. Guilt, for example, is a reminder we have strong morals and our own actions violated those morals. We’re going to be less likely to repeat those actions because of the guilt we feel. (That sure doesn’t sound like a bad thing to me.) Any emotion felt in extreme for extended periods of time is cause for concern and may require professional support; but bypassing, suppressing or otherwise avoiding these “negative” feelings altogether is a big mistake. We’d miss the fortune in our misfortune. Plus, studies show trying to avoid thoughts or feelings pretty much guarantees you’ll have those thoughts or feelings WAY more.
When you feel stuck under the heaviness of an emotion; don’t beat yourself (or anyone else) up. Rather than squash or invalidate your feeling or telling yourself, “I shouldn’t feel this way. I should be grateful for what I do have,” stop for a moment and consider three things:
1) What is the specific emotion I’m feeling? (Name it!)
2) How is this emotion benefitting me? What valuable insight does it bring?
3) How am I stronger, wiser, more compassionate or kinder because of this experience? (The advantages!)
Here’s an example from my own life. When my children were toddlers; I struggled keeping up with the frantic pace of my work and the endless chores of caretaking and keeping a household running. I felt stretched and threadbare; anxious and angry with myself because I couldn’t be or do enough in any area of my life. I was tired. Overwhelmed. The voices in my head said, “these are first world problems. Look at how bountiful your life is…how dare you complain! Your life isn’t hard--you are selfish and spoiled. Buck up. Get your act together.” [That’s what toxic positivity can sound like.]
I tried pushing down these thoughts of frustration, but my emotions were sending me an important message I needed to hear. I needed to slow down. I had the ability to do anything I put my mind to; but I didn’t have the ability to do it all well, all at once. Cue the cranky. If I hadn’t stopped to really feel those emotions, I wouldn’t have made the changes I needed to make to course correct. No amount of “thinking positively” would have helped me make better choices about how to spend my energy. Having had these experiences, I relate well to others who struggle in this way. I value my time and emotional energy more and I’m a more present leader, wife and mother. Those are some serious benefits!
Being an Advantageist isn’t about changing your perspective—it’s about expanding it. I don’t want you look away from your pain. That pain is real and valid and feeling it deeply is part of a life well lived. My goal is to help you see your pain as an important part of your experience; rather than the whole experience. The difficult chapters of your life are essential to your story; but I’m positive, there’s more to your book. And there’s nothing toxic about that.
Rachel
Check out these great reads on the value of all emotions—especially the “bad” ones.
Emotional agility: Get unstuck, embrace change and thrive in work and life
